This is Difficult… I’m Sorry.

It’s taken me 3 months to open this new post window to start typing, it’s always been on my mind but never having the courage to do it. Hey here I am, type type type…

This year has 100% been the hardest year of my life, it’s so difficult, I’m struggling day to day, not coping emotionally or mentally. Stressing, panic, anxiety attacks… it’s all fun and games… I do so much to try to distract myself, overworking myself, doing things I never did before to make my mind focus on that instead of everything that troubles me. What I’m about to fill you in on, sure might not be of anyone’s concern, also I’m not really obligated to tell anyone anything, it’s private life. I’m only really private about two things that I never share with anyone because it’s my choice, and those things should not matter to others.

First of all

I love you all, truly I do, everyone that has supported me on my journey, those in my community that I never expected to have, you have really encouraged and driven me to get going to this point, without you all I wouldn’t be here today!

People in VRC I hang with for the past several years. If it wasn’t for Redstack when I joined VRC being friendly I would have ditched VRChat and been god knows where, definitely not doing what I love today. Meeting Mixie and Chatmans and coming to VRDancing where I properly started creating content, streaming dancing, taking part in a dedicated team of hard working staff that accomplish so much, whilst I do little and very infrequently. Met 10xx through VRDancing Collab with Just Party, which after the event was so welcoming along with the rest of the OG 10xx Army, This changed me completely. Meeting this group brought me to more events, raised my interest in Drum n Bass, Lit a fire in my heart, raved and partied for at least a year having a great time, seeing fun worlds, playing fun games. From this I gauged an interest early into wanting to try do what 10xx did but never had the guts, and thinking I couldn’t… Eventually after a long time I got my first controller, started mixing, I’m on my second controller now and the rest is history which you can find here on this site, documented the entire “career” of DJ’ing so far and anything else I have made.

I miss everyone, my own content drives me to be too busy and unable to hangout as normally have things planned at same times. It really eats me up I can’t hang with everyone, I miss everyone. I sometimes spare a few minutes to pop in on people, each and every time I come to tears.

Where to start?!?

Well it’s difficult, this spans over a bit of time not just a year or two, but without all the gory details of the past, myself and partner at the time decided and agreed that there was no real love between us anymore. we grew distant even under the same roof. I was going to move out… This all happened whilst working full time, but it was during covid and we work from home so I mentioned to work I need to move to Scotland for some time as it was unaffordable. Sure a lot of people have debt, I don’t have crazy amount of debt but its enough to make life living on my own difficult or near impossible. So this choice was made to allow me to try keep my job and still bring in money, we were 100% wfh so where I was working from was no real concern of theirs as long as I could do my work. This worked out well for several years, but the communication was that it was temporary. I still need a good few years to sort myself out financially to be really comfortable down there.

This is where 50% of my depression comes from

Now It’s been like 3-4 years since I been here in Scotland living with family, it’s great, I wake up, I work, I do my socials plan schedule, produce content, publish it. Couldn’t want anything more, I’m happy this way. This is to end though, Work wants me to return to office like everyone else, I have no problems with going to office other than talking and anxiety (haha), I avoid it like a plague at work, do it mostly via text communication to colleagues when helping. Everyone works a 3 days in office and 2 at home hybrid plan, sure that’s fine for me. My issue is that I’m just straight up going to have issues month to month for at least a year with this before I start getting some relaxation on my bank balance.

My Deadline currently is Mid October to be in the office…

What’s difficult about the situation that’s driving me mental, unstable and well… I’ve gotten suicidal on several occasions as I just can’t see the future beyond October (I wont go into this), If I can’t either get a place to stay by then or get a new job here that pays around the same, then I’m COMPLETELY Screwed. Government benefits can’t cover me month to month. I’m trying to hard to find just a single bedroom, but no F*%^* will reply to contacts regarding their ad to rent out a room, I NEED a parking space so that limits things, I want but to live I don’t need a decent size room, but if I can’t get a decent room my hobby of content production is going out the window along with my DJ’ing. Alternative is I get a new job, but this is Scotland, pay is less here, I have to do a higher spec job to get the pay I’m on right now and well my job sucks ass. Such a dead end job that teaches you nothing of value that you can use anywhere else. Had 1 interview, they loved me but just someone with more experience came along and whipped it up like that…

The nightmare

This has been going on for a good 3 months now, like where its been critical stage need to move to keep the money rolling in, and well… I got so damn close once for a room and the agent screwed me over by not calling twice, then responding late and then saying they gave the damn room away.

Like I said, I can’t see my future, I go really dark places a lot of the time, I go silent, hide offline, send stupid messages on X, and well F%*%&… I dunno what to do anymore, I keep trying and everything just hits me back down again.

I’m Sorry

Everyone is so caring and thoughtful and messages me, and I’m so sorry I never respond, never give feedback etc, it’s just so hard when I don’t even know what’s going on myself, I don’t know what to say. I feel so worthless, useless and pathetic.

I’m lost

Underlying issue still lingers, I can’t find a damn room, I can’t find a damn job, I can’t see my future beyond the next 30 days, I get so f’ing depressed I really don’t wanna be around to face what’s going to happen.

Entirely worst case scenario is my things are taken away to help pay some my balance but still have some left over.. and I be jobless and still in Scotland. No VR, no hobby, no life (like I had one anyways)

I lose everything I worked to build. I don’t want to lose it, this is who I am. I will lose myself.

It’s very difficult to keep pushing forward, to keep fighting and keep driving for solution when all life does is keep throwing rejection back in my face.

This is all 50% of my issues, I have issues beyond this I don’t discuss, I have select few that know these things and they do their best to try and support me but I’m a large bucket of negativity through repeated failures. I don’t want to constantly be a burden to my community and friends.

I wish I could perform a hard reset

I just need one chance, one opportunity and I’ll grab it and never look back, only look forward and fight hard to build a better future and try be where I want to be as an individual.

I have a community but I’m no influencer, I have friends I value highly but I want to be a better friend that they can turn to for comfort and support.

I don’t want to be the one always running away and crying in corners everywhere I go.

I’m physically and mentally broken and exhausted.

Thank You

You have all been supportive in one way or another, Whilst you all have different levels of information about me, you are all equally loved.

Chineko, Otaku, Alryca, Ari, Chatmans, Mixie, Burgerbeast, 10xx, Seanb, ML7, Ayeton, Hentalia, Redstack, afk, Raasuke, Sorima, d v l, raindrop, Hackebein, Tiff, Loo, ALL ACTIVE MEGU BASKET MEMBERS! EVERYONE THAT SUPPORTED ANYTHING I DID

Love you all

I Need Help